Relapse…

I don’t know how to start this blog. My mind is running a-mile-a-minute, and I am trying to comprehend things. This is not an easy conversation, and I am flooded with emotions, so please stay with me as this will not be my best writing.

There are words that no one ever wants to hear: death, infertility, and cancer are just a few. June 1, 2017, I heard the word cancer come from my doctor. I had no clue how to take it, and I was in such shock that it took a few weeks for it to fully sink in. When it finally sank in, it hit me hard.

In the beginning, I was diagnosed with stage I ovarian cancer. After going through 2 hormone transfusions and 2 laser therapies, I was rediagnosed to stage II ovarian cancer. After receiving the new diagnosis and beginning the multiple rounds of chemo and radiation was when the reality hit me: I have cancer…

Since the final diagnosis, I have undergone 17 PICC line chemo transfusions, 10 oral chemo treatments, and 13 radiation treatments. None of it was easy. I was in pain, couldn’t eat anything and had to get an NG tube, couldn’t keep myself hydrated and became IV fluid dependent, and I felt so alone at the beginning of it.

I never had support at home, and I have always struggled trusting people. It wasn’t until halfway through my fall semester when I realized that I may not physically be able to stay the whole semester. I might have to drop out. That was when I finally started talking to people and letting them in. That decision has changed everything for the better; I now have a support system that I could not go without. They have supported me through all of my treatment and continue to stand with me.

March 30, 2018, I finally reached remission! After 43 weeks, I was in remission!

I had two weeks after the news that I struggled with acceptance of what my life now consisted of including infertility and an overly high possibility of relapse. After those two weeks, I felt myself again. I was able to eat actual food and hydrate myself with drinking water. I was getting more sleep than I did before. I was not in pain anymore. I was finally in relief from the hell I faced. These two weeks of relief were well cherished.

May 1, 2018, I received the news that I relapsed…

First of all, I am beyond livid.

Second, is this real?

I feel defeated. I am not sure there is really another word to encompass how I feel right now. I am trying to just deny it for the next two weeks to get through my finals, but how? I did everything right. I did everything I was told to do and then some. I took multiple loans out to cover extra costs of suggestions that weren’t covered by insurance. I have 10s of thousands of dollars in loans to cover everything I went through, and I relapse?! How? This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. This is not how it should be. So why is it? Were 43 weeks not enough?! What did I do to deserve this? There are so many questions that run through my head with this news, but I know that they don’t have an answer. Why now? What did I do wrong? WHY ME?!

There are all these emotions rushing through me that I don’t know how to cope with: anger, confusion, denial, and lost are a few. I need to focus on my studies because I need to do well on my finals, I just can’t get myself to focus. How can I?

There is so much more that can be said about my current situation, but I am struggling to find words to honestly describe how I feel. For now, this is all I have to say. With time, I will be in a better mental state where I can express more of my feelings and be able to better describe what I am facing. If you have any suggestions or questions, please leave a comment.

Until next time, thank you for reading.

The Journey Begins

This is something I have never done: write a blog. It was suggested by two good friends of mine to start a blog and share my story with others. So, let’s see how this goes.

I am 20 years old and am currently a college student making her way to a bachelor’s degree. At the end of my college degree, I hope to obtain my doctorate degree in Audiology. I still have some years to go for that achievement, but it is a goal nonetheless. Through this journey called life, I, like everyone else, have faced many trials and triumphs that have all been learning experiences for me. I have learned who will stay by my side and who I really am. Life is one big learning lesson; it may not all be enjoyable, but there is always something to learn.

I plan to use this blog as a way for me to talk about the trials and triumphs in my life in hopes to help myself and/or others. Some topics may lead to laughter while others may lead to tears, but I am tired of putting on a mask and acting like everything is great. Life is not always easy, and it’s not fair. We have all faced some sort of challenge in our life that made us question “why?” or “how?” and those questions don’t always get an answer. I know I don’t always want the answer, but there is always a positive that comes out of every experience.

This blog is not a means for me to complain, nor is it my way to put myself in the spotlight. I am writing this blog in hopes to help myself or someone who can relate to anything I post. It can be terrifying to say, “yes, I went through that, too, but I feel so alone.” You are not alone, and I say that because I am here, and I am sure that I am not the only one. We can get through this thing called “life” together.

So, with that being said, please feel free to follow along. I cannot guarantee a blog every week or every month as I do not know what life has in store, but I am ready to give this a shot.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

post